Alert: another wacky product idea! Here’s one that guarantees to help you “maintain your dignity” while you wipe. It’s called the Comfort Wipe, and it’s basically a long plastic wand you insert your toilet paper in to:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM

Toilet paper is “archaic?” Huh? The ad says TP hasn’t been improved upon since the 1880s. I’m pretty sure the people at Charmin would disagree. In fact, there have been several improvements and variations in TP over that first version. These include a coating of wax or aloe to reduce roughness, two-ply paper, a slight texture to provide some durability and softness, and more. So, I think we can agree that toilet paper is as advanced as we’ve ever seen.

The CW is aimed at two groups of people: First, those who have a loss of range of motion, and second, those who hate to touch toilet paper SO much that they need a big ‘ol plastic stick to do it for them. If you’re in the first group, fine. I can see how you would not want to call a friend or partner for help with wiping every single time you do your business. A drag, for sure. But, if you fall into the second category, I can only hope I’m not nearby when you snap and head for a bell tower with a shotgun. Is there anyone who can’t stand to touch toilet paper? If your OCD is this debilitating, you have a whole host of bigger problems than wiping your behind.

So, if you’re in a cast or recently had surgery on your shoulder, this product may make some sense. If you’re anyone else ordering this, get help immediately!

[Thanks to Paul P. for the link!]

Not everyone can invent the Pet Rock. (A rock sold in a box. As a pet. Genius.) But that doesn’t stop folks from trying. Here are a few products you can classify under “useless.” Save your money and use a little elbow grease instead!

Moo Mixer Extreme

Really? Swirling a spoon around in a glass for a few seconds is too labor-intensive for you?

Snowball Maker

Way to suck the joy out of childhood, corporate America.

Is there any child out there suffering from such incredible OCD that this product is a necessity?

Banana Slicer

Doesn’t this seem like something Joan Crawford would have owned? “NO MORE UNEVEN BANANA SLICES!”

When your breakfast just has to be perfect.

[Via MomLogic]

At the top of the “Things I Better Not Ever Receive as a Gift” list is the Better Marriage Blanket. While the name may imply a blanket that gives you more hours in the day or more patience for your spouse, the real purpose is to absorb farts. I know you’re thinking this is an SNL commercial parody, but it’s a real product to eliminate bedtime odors.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxVhqkF9KgU

If your intestinal distress is so awful that you need to buy this blanket, then you need to sleep alone.

[Via the fine folks at AdWeek]

Want a cup of coffee but not the annoying part where you actually have to drink it? Well, lazy caffeine junkies, there’s a product for you called Le Whif. It’s an inhaler of coffee. Here’s how it works:

The canisters spray an edible aerosol shot of the substance directly into your mouth, without your lips even touching a single glass.

It takes 8 whiffs to give the same results from one cup of coffee.

Is this how desperate and lazy we’ve become? We can’t even enjoy a cup of freakin’ coffee? This company also sells another product where you can whiff chocolate. It gives you a burst of chocolate flavor without the calories (or drool-worthy enjoyment) of real chocolate. Maybe this is the direction food science is headed: all science and no actual food?

[Thanks to Kathy D. for the link!]

There’s an iPhone app for everything. Case in point is Bedometer. It’s an iPhone app that measures the calories you burn while having sex.

How does it work? Well, you put your phone on the bed while getting busy, and the application measures the calories burned by the vibrations.

I’m all for trying to stay fit, but if you’re worried about how many calories you’re burning during sex then you’re worrying too much. Relax and enjoy the moment with your significant other. Tracking the fifty or one hundred calories you’re burning during the horizontal mambo is not really that important, especially when your attention should be elsewhere.

[Via MomLogic]

Yesterday was World Water Day. Did you celebrate? No, we didn’t either. But, water is a huge issue globally. Did you know that dirty water kills more people than violence? It’s true, according to the U.N.

We’re not a fan of bottled water, so it was great to find this. “The Story of Bottled Water” is by The Story of Stuff Project, and it should make you think twice about buying that next bottle of water.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se12y9hSOM0

We’ve talked about water more than a few times here on DDOCS. (See “Water, Water Everywhere” and “The Great Water Debate: Bottled vs. Tap“.) But this video, while slightly on the hippie side, makes it plain and simple: you’re a rube if you buy bottled water. Unless your community has proven unsafe tap water, purchasing water in plastic bottles is absurd.

Drink tap water and save the money. If you don’t like the taste of your city water, buy a filter.

[Source: BoingBoing]

This pillow freaks me out. It’s called the Hug Me, and it’s a pillow in the shape of a man’s clothed arm.

I understand loneliness and the need for human contact. But, this pillow seems hardly the answer. It just comes off as creepy. And sad.

Please, buy a cat, fish, parrot, guinea pig…anything, instead.

Thanks to Sara B. for the link!

Ok, not really. But, two clever guys did illustrate the ink usage of different typefaces and Garamond proved to use the least amount of ink.

In this quirky demonstration they drew enlarged versions of eight fonts with eight ball point pens and used the remaining ink in each pen to create a telling bar chart. The results are here:

http://flowingdata.com/2010/01/29/save-pens-use-garamond-font

Frankly, it never occurred to me that fonts had an ink footprint, but I know I’m not only one who thinks the price of ink cartridges is ridiculous.

And, who doesn’t want a way to stick it to the printer cartridge industry? I see a whole lot more Garamond in my future.

It’s water-proof, flexible, self-adhesive and dishwasher safe. And it’s taking the world by storm. In fact, many folks are calling it the best invention since Duct tape or Blu tack. It’s called Sugru.

Sugru is the brain child of Jane Ni Dhulchaointigh, a former product design student, who thought one day, “I don’t want to buy new stuff all the time. I want to hack the stuff I already have so it works better for me.” Aside from unleashing your inner inventor (C’mon, we’ve all had the “I could’ve made that better” thought), Sugru is the ultimate reduce-reuse-recycle tool.

But what exactly is it? Essentially, it’s a silicone based play-dough for adults that you can adhere to surfaces to improve, repair or hack them.  Scissor handles pinching? Use Sugru and mold a fix. Wish your mobile phone had a bigger volume control button? Make one.

Still a little confused? The Sugru website and blog do a beautiful job demonstrating its many uses. And as Jane says herself on the website “People are natural hackers, we’ve just gotten out of the habit of it.”

Watch more about Sugru here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeJsH5WL9IE

If it’s between this and flowers for Valentine’s Day… FLOWERS! Dear god, let it be flowers.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPoDIhTRo1k

[Via MomLogic]