Today’s guest post is from long-time commuter Lance Gerhart.
I have been riding the commuter rail for over ten years and have witnessed some great ways of annoying fellow riders and conductors. Here is a guide to become “that person” that the rest of us talk about. To be a complete tool on the rails, follow these ten simple suggestions:
1. Pretend you have no concept of what a train does
Be sure to jump the gap between the platform and the train like it’s a ten foot wide crevasse. And, take your time preparing for the leap. Make sure there are at least 8 people waiting for you to get on the train.
2. Once on the train, pretend you are lost
Really think about whether you want to go left or go right, because apparently it makes all the difference in the world.
3. Duck and stare
Always stop before walking down the steps and peer to see if a seat is calling your name. Make sure to give the people behind you enough time to get a good look at your ass. Then, turn around like you want to go elsewhere, but change your mind at the last second. Proceed to where you were staring in the first place.
4. Make yourself look as big as possible
Find a seat with lots of space and sit right in the middle. Spread your legs and maybe even put your bag next to you–some people might think the bag is a small dog (or even a midget) and will not attempt to sit with you.
5. Feign narcolepsy
Be sure to immediately fall asleep upon seating. Open your mouth just a bit to mimic REM sleep. Furrow your brows. This gives the impression that you are having a really bad dream and that if someone disturbs you, they will be bitten.
6. Be surprised when you have to pay
When the conductor comes calling, do the same thing you do when your credit card bill arrives in the mail–ignore it. Claim you didn’t realize that you have to pay. And when you attempt to get your money be sure to try all pockets. Don’t let the conductor hear any change rattling in your pocket or they will know you have money. You might also want to say that you ‘had’ your ticket but you lost it. Conductors never hear that and believe it every time.
7. Pass the time with a phone call–or six
Nothing passes the time like a phone call to your buddy. Make sure you recount how wasted you were the night before and how you scored with that chick at the bar. Glance a few times at fellow passengers to see if they had a similar experience because then you can talk about it between phone calls.
8. Make sure you have everything
Spend the first 20 minutes of your ride rifling through your bag, wallet, purse, backpack, suitcase, McDonald’s bag, fanny pack, or any other carry-on just to make sure that something didn’t fall out when you were deciding whether to go left or right. See that guy sitting behind you? He might have the gum you can’t find.
9. Make a TFF (Train Friend Forever)
Take advantage of the captive audience and find someone else just like you. Get to know that person (intimately, if possible). Talk about personal ailments (preferably communicable diseases) and how you treat them. Good advice is waiting.
10. Be prepared for exiting
Make sure you ask how many stops until your destination. Do this after every stop. Then get up three stops before yours and wait in the aisle. Be sure to get a good spot in line because the train will leave and you will never have the opportunity to get off. When the doors open, run like hell and don’t look back.
Lance Gerhart lives in Boston and has issues with stupid people. In his spare time, he enjoys laughing at the downtrodden and waiting for the day where corporate America believes that working in the nude is acceptable (and not just on Fridays).
Photo courtesy of Flickr: Diego_3336
Again this past weekend, someone died in the New York City subway because he had jumped down onto the tracks to retrieve something. What precious item had fallen? A jacket. Yes, a man lost his life trying to save a jacket. (What’s really sad is that he was just a good samaritan trying to help the woman who dropped the jacket. She lived.)
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